Anchor Struck

I had trouble sleeping last night because Known Terrorist Elizabeth Warren tried to blow up the U.S. Senate with the words of Renowned Terrorist Coretta Scott King, so I started speculating about how it had come to this.  I believe it can all be traced to this exchange between Kellyanne Conway and her mother when Kellyanne was six years old:

KELLYANNE’S MOM: Kellyanne, Gramma told me you took a cookie from the kitchen.  You know those were for dessert tonight.

KELLYANNE: Mommie, I laud you for bringing up this very important issue.  Like many others in this household, I share your concern about food theft and I appreciate that you are including me in this vital discussion.  I believe if we work together, we can resolve this before it ends in a needless tragedy.

MOM: Did you take the cookie?

K.A.: Define “cookie”.

MOM: In this particular case, a disc of flour, sugar, vanilla extract, baking soda, milk, butter, walnuts, chocolate chips and an egg, baked for 10 to 15 minutes at 375 degrees.

K.A.: And how many of these “discs” were allegedly made?

MOM: About two dozen.

K.A.: “About” two dozen.  So you don’t have an accurate count?

MOM: No.

K.A.: Also, I’m having trouble with your use of the word “disc”.  Technically, a disc is flat and round.  Let’s look at those adjectives independently.  If these so-called “cookies” did indeed have chocolate chips and walnuts, their irregular shapes would disallow flatness.  As to the roundness, did you use some sort of device — a cookie cutter, for example — to ensure uniform circularity?

MOM: No, I rolled them out by hand.

K.A.: And you said you baked them for 10 to 15 minutes.  Was it ten or fifteen?  Were the 375 degrees Fahrenheit or Centigrade?

MOM: Fahrenheit.  Oven time was likely closer to 15 minutes.

K.A.: “Likely”?  Mommie, I’m trying to work with you to get to the bottom of this incident, but your vagueness is complicating matters.

MOM: Then let’s move on to the eyewitness: Gramma.

K.A.: Which gramma?  I have several.

MOM: The gramma who lives with us and is standing beside me.

GRAMMA: Kellyanne, honey.  You looked right at me when you took the cookie.

K.A.: Gramma, all due respect, please don’t tell me what I do or do not look at.  It’s well-documented that people your age have problems with memory and eyesight.  What was your frame of mind, and what was the lighting in the kitchen like that day of the alleged event?

GRAMMA: “That day” is this day.  You did it about ten minutes ago.

K.A.: “About”?  This is the memory problem that concerns me.

MOM: Speaking of memory, do you remember me telling you not to touch the cookies?

K.A.: No.  Do you have a record or a witness of having told me?

MOM: No.

K.A.: Then I won’t participate in this witch hunt any further.  I have acted in good faith and you two have done nothing but give me the runaround.  I hope we can communicate more clearly this afternoon when we discuss exactly what you mean when you say “pick up your toys”.

MOM: Go wash your hands.  It’s time for lunch.

K.A.: I’m not hungry.