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define “cookie”

February 8, 2017

I had trouble sleeping last night because Known Terrorist Elizabeth Warren tried to blow up the U.S. Senate with the words of Renowned Terrorist Coretta Scott King, so I started speculating about how it had come to this.  I believe it can all be traced to this exchange between Kellyanne Conway and her mother when Kellyanne was six years old:

KELLYANNE’S MOM: Kellyanne, Gramma told me you took a cookie from the kitchen.  You know those were for dessert tonight.

KELLYANNE: Mommie, I laud you for bringing up this very important issue.  Like many others in this household, I share your concern about food theft and I appreciate that you are including me in this vital discussion.  I believe if we work together, we can resolve this before it ends in a needless tragedy.

MOM: Did you take the cookie?

K.A.: Define “cookie”.

MOM: In this particular case, a disc of flour, sugar, vanilla extract, baking soda, milk, butter, walnuts, chocolate chips and an egg, baked for 10 to 15 minutes at 375 degrees.

K.A.: And how many of these “discs” were allegedly made?

MOM: About two dozen.

K.A.: “About” two dozen.  So you don’t have an accurate count?

MOM: No.

K.A.: Also, I’m having trouble with your use of the word “disc”.  Technically, a disc is flat and round.  Let’s look at those adjectives independently.  If these so-called “cookies” did indeed have chocolate chips and walnuts, their irregular shapes would disallow flatness.  As to the roundness, did you use some sort of device — a cookie cutter, for example — to ensure uniform circularity?

MOM: No, I rolled them out by hand.

K.A.: And you said you baked them for 10 to 15 minutes.  Was it ten or fifteen?  Were the 375 degrees Fahrenheit or Centigrade?

MOM: Fahrenheit.  Oven time was likely closer to 15 minutes.

K.A.: “Likely”?  Mommie, I’m trying to work with you to get to the bottom of this incident, but your vagueness is complicating matters.

MOM: Then let’s move on to the eyewitness: Gramma.

K.A.: Which gramma?  I have several.

MOM: The gramma who lives with us and is standing beside me.

GRAMMA: Kellyanne, honey.  You looked right at me when you took the cookie.

K.A.: Gramma, all due respect, please don’t tell me what I do or do not look at.  It’s well-documented that people your age have problems with memory and eyesight.  What was your frame of mind, and what was the lighting in the kitchen like that day of the alleged event?

GRAMMA: “That day” is this day.  You did it about ten minutes ago.

K.A.: “About”?  This is the memory problem that concerns me.

MOM: Speaking of memory, do you remember me telling you not to touch the cookies?

K.A.: No.  Do you have a record or a witness of having told me?

MOM: No.

K.A.: Then I won’t participate in this witch hunt any further.  I have acted in good faith and you two have done nothing but give me the runaround.  I hope we can communicate more clearly this afternoon when we discuss exactly what you mean when you say “pick up your toys”.

MOM: Go wash your hands.  It’s time for lunch.

K.A.: I’m not hungry.

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7 Comments
  1. goatbarnwitch permalink
    February 8, 2017 3:25 pm

    You nailed it! Now if someone would literally nail the Things posing as humans in our government we can get back to progress

    • February 11, 2017 10:12 am

      It’s going to be a long, hard slog, but the cracks in the foundation are becoming more visible. I’m keeping my eye on tRUMP’s approval ratings, and on prominent GOPers (like Utah Rep. Jason Chaffetz) starting to put some light between himself and the Donnie. I’m heartened by ongoing protests like the demonstrations, marches and robust turnouts at town hall meetings. I just saw a Florida county GOP official jeered for daring to bring up the ridiculous “death panel” trope.

  2. Anonymous permalink
    February 9, 2017 6:23 pm

    Catching up with your rapid succession of posts, which I love! Beautiful snow scenes, any one of which could be a greeting card.

    For anyone in the States interested in seeing the Electoral College process changed, the National Popular Vote movement, which has been in the works for several years, now has 165 electors behind it. What is needed is 270 electors for it to become a possibility, so contacting your state legislators and encouraging them to have your state support the National Popular Vote could be helpful (if your state hasn’t already signed on). What it means is that in future presidential elections, the electors would have to vote for whichever candidate wins the popular vote. Had this been in effect last November, Hillary Clinton of course would now be president.

    Thanks Allen for keeping us amused and also nature-inspired with those lovely photos, AND, for giving me space to write the above. Inveterate Teacher

    • February 11, 2017 10:14 am

      You are most welcome. You have taught me well. And thank you for the information on the National Popular Vote movement.

  3. John B permalink
    February 9, 2017 8:30 pm

    looks as if Kellyanne may have been caught with her hand in that Nordstrom”s cookie jar

    • February 11, 2017 10:16 am

      Jar available in housewares, third floor, for $19.95.

  4. February 23, 2017 7:17 pm

    You’re the BEST, Allen.

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