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the night I misplaced my virginity

August 31, 2012

Most people lose their virginity, but I had so many droughts back in the day that it regen-

erated from time to time.  A sexually timid lad in high school, I set off to college at full sail

with bolstered expectations, only to discover to my dismay that I was timid there, too.

 

By age 19, I was still fainthearted and without fair lady.  I was unwilling to lie to get laid to

keep up with my peers, who were successful at either scoring or lying.

 

In January of 1965, I was in Butler, Missouri, with my parents to visit my sister. We had lived

there before moving to Shreveport, Louisiana.  I sought out a young lady I had dated on a

visit the year before.  She respectfully declined.

 

Then I ran into an old schoolmate who told me about a whorehouse in Sedalia, about 100

miles northeast of Butler.  I reasoned that I might do well there.

 

But I was even chickenshit about that.  I felt I needed a cover story to borrow my parents’

car, so I told them I wanted to go to Kansas City to see a movie that had been recommended

by one of my college instructors.  No one actually had, but I wanted to commit the perfect

crime.

 

To conceal my true destination, I actually drove to Kansas City.  To conceal my true inten-

tions, I actually went to a movie.  It was Mondo Cane or one of its ilk, a shockumentary

showing people being cruel to animals and each other.  It had a segment about how reindeer

are castrated in Lapland.  As best I remember, young women would go down on the bucks

and bite their nuts off.  I may have looked away.

 

Granted, this is not the most erotic image ever to flash across the silver screen, but I took it

as an omen to get on with my quest.  I headed to Sedalia.

 

The whorehouse was in a rough section of town.  It was called Nate’s.  My friend’s directions

weren’t entirely accurate. I ended up in a signless barbecue joint wondering just how this

was going to work. Would the old guy running it bring me a coded menu?  There weren’t any

waitresses there, just him and me.  I didn’t think that boded well.

 

Nonetheless, when he walked over to my table with a conventional-looking menu, I boldly

asked him if this was Nate’s.  He frowned and said “next door”.  Being a stranger in a strange

place and still wanting to keep up my cover, I ordered a sandwich.

 

Fortified by its tangy sauce, I left.  Rather than just walk to Nate’s, I got in the car and drove

around the blocks several times, screwing my courage to the sticking point.  When I was as

ready as I was ever going to be, I parked and started for the front door.

 

I stopped at the front steps.  This was it.  I felt my heels wanting to turn briskly, but before

they could, an employee got out of a car behind me.  She grabbed my arm and said “My name

is Jeannie.  Do you want to talk to me?”

 

I’ll never forget my response: “s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sure.”  I’m certain it had

that many “s’s” in it.  She pulled me into the house.  We sat on a couch waiting for a room.

There were two old farmers with two of Jeannie’s colleagues also waiting.  They chuckled

at me.

 

When Jeannie and I finally got our room, she said “I”ll go around the world with you for $7.”

I didn’t really want to travel extensively with her.  She realized my ignorance of the world’s

oldest professional slang and quickly clarifed herself.  I quickly agreed.

 

And it was quickly transacted.  A jukebox in the waiting room was blaring the tunes of the

day.  I suppose lots of folks at that time surrendered their virginity during ballads like the

Four Tops’ “Baby, I Need Your Lovin”’, Roy Orbison’s “Oh, Pretty Woman”, Sam Cooke’s “A

Change is Gonna Come” or even Manfred Mann’s “Do Wah Diddy Diddy”. I popped my cherry

to “The Jolly Green Giant” by the Kingsmen.

 

And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

 

I left Nate’s and headed back to Butler in the frigid night.  I didn’t feel at all like a man.

Maybe my college mates were getting laid AND lying to me.  Even so, I honoured their

insistence that a change was gonna come and tried thinking like a big boy.

 

My first manly thought was that I might have VD, so — showing the overarching grasp of

human anatomy that Republican lawmakers have — I opened the car vents and let the

winter air blast my loins.  I closed them when everything below my belt went numb.

 

Then I got lost and made a cascade of increasingly poor motoring decisions.  I ended up

stuck in a muddy field.  I walked a mile or so to the nearest farmhouse, being tailed by a

pack of howling coyotes.  The farmer very graciously pulled the car free with his tractor.

I really wasn’t liking adulthood at that point.

 

I got back to my sister’s house about 3 a.m.  I thought I’d successfully snuck in and settled

quickly on the living room couch.  My dad came out and I briefly explained my tardiness,

emphasizing the coyote pack.  I left out the portion about Nate’s, Jeannie and “The Jolly

Green Giant”.

 

To this day, I still get a tingle down there when I hear the words “Brussel sprouts“.

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14 Comments
  1. August 31, 2012 11:06 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….OOOOhhhh I think I peed my pants, ohhhhh ohhhhh how funny, love the last….. Brussel sprouts…… I think I am crying… ohhhh sorry but I reallllly needed this belly laugh today.
    At least your first time was better than mine. Me and my chosen other went to a hotel where we thought that we were doing it right, but both of us knew in our hearts that something wasn’t quiet right. (Maybe we should have taken off our clothes…. )
    We figured it out finally about 3 months later………
    You are just too great at this story business Allen. You really should consider publishing a book…. start with this story, lol.

    • September 1, 2012 10:30 am

      Thank you, Beth. I’m happy that you laughed that hard. I am actually thinking of self-publishing on Kindle this fall when all the summer projects are done.

  2. August 31, 2012 11:07 am

    Oh I forgot to tell you that I got a call this morning and I now have an apartment of my very own, far far away from Arkansas. It actually going to be a great move for me. Cheers.

    • September 1, 2012 10:32 am

      Congratulations! I hope the apartment isn’t too close to that jerk in Texas. Have a safe move and keep us posted.

  3. Inveterate Teacher permalink
    August 31, 2012 2:01 pm

    All the years I’ve known you, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard this story. I would have remembered the part about the coyotes, who in native lore are known as tricksters and are reputed to show up at the most surprising times just to mock the sexual shenanigans of the lustful or naive. Yours is another example of their well-earned reputation. xo, IT

    • September 1, 2012 10:35 am

      As many times as we’ve talked about Coyote, I didn’t remember that when i was posting the story. They didn’t seem mocking that night, just scary.

  4. Inveterate Teacher permalink
    August 31, 2012 2:07 pm

    P.S. Tonight is the Full Moon; I think you should be out there howling and yelping at it in honor of those coyotes and your JGG night/day. IT

    • September 1, 2012 10:39 am

      Jude and I were out in the moonlight last night, not so much howling as looking for one of the chickens that found a breach in our garden fence. We haven’t found her or her body yet. As we were searching, I was struck by how the moon looked like the bright end of a huge flashlight.

  5. August 31, 2012 8:54 pm

    not only a full moon but a blue moon… some story.. i didn’t know people actually really did that stuff…

    • Inveterate Teacher permalink
      August 31, 2012 10:15 pm

      Thank you wkmtca for reminding it’s BLUE MOON! I had forgotten. IT

    • September 1, 2012 10:43 am

      I’d wager that a lot of other folks’ first time was more comical than romantic.

  6. September 1, 2012 9:27 am

    That is the best story ever!! Who knew frigid air could cure VD?

    • September 1, 2012 10:47 am

      Funny you should mention that. I originally wrote “frigid air”, but that sounded like I had a major appliance between my knees.

  7. September 1, 2012 9:38 am

    This is such a good story that I have read it 3 times. lol. Good Job!

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