Anchor Struck

So let’s start off Year Two with some silly shit.  This came to me from some

comment Jude made as I was drifting off to sleep recently.  I don’t even re-

member what it was, but a light went off .  It was more of an LED than the

traditional incandescent bulb, but it did take root in my brain.  So here ’tis.

I lived in Kansas for about 20 years.  That means prolonged exposure to the

“Wizard of Oz” story.  When I told people where I was from as I traveled, they

would often ask if I knew Dorothy.  That’s another reason I moved to Canada.

Since the images are so firmly embedded, Jude’s remark jostled me into

casting current and recent Republican presidential hopefuls in a remake

of “Oz”.  See what you think.

     Dorothy — Michelle Bachmann.  Partly by default because she was the only

female who declared intent, mostly because her unworldliness and unfocused

gaze match the character.  While other candidates were talking about  real

issues, she pointed out that Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan was 666 upside down.

You’d have to be naive to rail against sodomites  when you’re married to one. 

Her husband Marcus is a therapist who apparently cures gay men by absorbing

their homosexuality.  He may throw Michelle off the scent by dancing so badly.

    Toto — Rick Santorum.  He actually surpasses Bachmann in homophobia, but

is compassionate enough of a conservative to make the distinction in a 2003

interview that homosexuality at least isn’t “man on boy, man on dog or what-

ever the case may be.”  That quote and his sweater vests are enough to qualify

him for the role.

     The Wicked Witch of the West — my inclination here is to take a cheap shot

at Sarah Palin, but she was smart enough to keep out of the running and stay

with the real money: book deals, speaking engagements and snarky Fox News

commentary.  It makes even less sense by my criteria to cast Katherine Harris,

the Florida Secretary of State who cost Al Gore the Presidency, but that’s what

I’m doing.  She may not have been Hollywood witch evil, but baby did a bad,

bad thing.  Also, I find it easy to see her manipulating flying monkeys.                   

     The Scarecrow — Rick Perry.  If he only had a brain.  His casting is a no-brainer,

as well.  It’s fitting that a character stuffed with straw be from cowboy country.

Perry gleefully wears his ignorance like a rhinestone rodeo shirt.  He doesn’t

even know that America doesn’t need another Texan to have a beer with.

     The Tin Man — Mitt Romney.  An empty suit of metal, hilarious in his attempts

to seem like a regular guy.  He’s actually a parody of a politician, promising a

balanced budget, a job for everyone AND the strongest military ever.  Seriously.

He said that.  And he’s the front-runner.

     The Cowardly Lion — Donald Trump.  He only made some noise about running

to prop up sagging ratings for “The Apprentice”, but whenever Trump roars, he

attracts more attention than Janet Jackson’s nipple.  He’s a total blowhard.  It’s

his gift.  His carefully-tousled hair looks like a mane, too.

     Professor Marvel/The Wizard — Newt Gingrich.  A con man both in Kansas and 

Oz, this dual role was made for Newt.  He wants to present as a scholar, yet says

the lamest things possible.  He once managed to piss off half the world’s popu-

lation by saying that women weren’t fit for combat because if they stayed in a

ditch for 30 days, they’d get infections.  For more Newtisms, look here.  Plus,

Gingrich has the head for the role, literally and figuratively.

So that leaves Jon Huntsman, Ron Paul and Herman Cain.  I kept Huntsman

out of this because I like him.  He seems rational.  I cast Paul as an understudy

to Newt because he makes sense when he’s n0t raving.  Cain gets a small role as

a pizza delivery guy who asks Dorothy what she’s willing to do to get back over

the rainbow.