next Brexit: Wexit

I hope to have this post done before Trump and blowback from Pizzagate further blur the distinction between empirical evidence and satire.  Or simply obliterate satire.

I was talking to a friend of mine in the Bay Area a few days after the election.  Progressives there were in such shock that they were eating Popeye’s Chicken and In ‘n’ Out Burgers rather than shop at Whole Foods Markets.  If they could speak at all, they talked about what options they had left.  The one ray of hope they’re desperately clutching is seceding from the U.S.

They figure they can convince Oregon, Washington state and British Columbia to join Cali in a new nation much like the Netherlands.  Recreational weed is now legal in all three states, and the new Canadian government is slouching toward it, as well.  That’s most of North America’s west coast, hence “Wexit”.  Since that area is often referred to as The Left Coast, “Lexit” was considered; but that sounds too much like the luxury car, and that’s not what the new nation is all about.  Or would be, anyway.

It’s not that much of a stretch.  California already has many Border Protection Stations on the state line as “the first line of defense in our pest exclusion efforts”, according to its website.  What better way to keep Megapest Trump out?

Of course, such a solid blue nation might discourage conservatives from enjoying trips to the Pacific Ocean, but the Republicans are already on it.  Bright red Oklahoma is fracking its brains out lately.  Earthquakes have skyrocketed.  Before 2009, tremblors of magnitude 3 or more averaged two a year in the Sooner state.  In 2015, it had 907.

So it can’t be much longer before it sinks down to the earth’s mantle.  That would be semi-ironic because New York Yankee legend Mickey Mantle was born in Spavinaw, Oklahoma.

But I digress.  The resulting hole could fill up from the Gulf of Mexico via the McClellan-Kerr Arkansas River Navigation System, a 445-mile waterway that’s a major shipping lane to the Gulf.  I’m not sure how that would adversely affect the shrimping industry in the Gulf, but it would likely be less than the BP Oil Disaster of 2010.

Cities near the Oklahoma state line, like Wichita Falls, Texas, could become major seaports.  Fort Smith, Arkansas, could be a popular beach resort.  Students at the nearby state university wouldn’t have to drive so far on spring break.  Walmart, with its headquarters a mere 90 miles away, could supply all the beer coolers and plastic cups.

Hopefully the Oklahoma National Guard could evacuate everyone before the hole filled up.  Sadly, infrastructure like Oral Roberts University in Tulsa would be lost.   ORU was built on God’s mandate, and would not be able to continue its ultra-conservative agenda.  Dolphins would swim around the campus naked, a full-on irony because they engage in homosexual behaviour and males have been know to wrap eels around their penis to masturbate.

God truly does work in mysterious — even whimsical — ways.