all God’s chillun got issues

I posted recently about being rescued from a New Mexico snowstorm by a National

Guardsman named Sergeant Swaggart, a week or so after famous televangelist Jimmy

Swaggart couldn’t save himself from a sex scandal.

 

I knew that evangelists got caught up in seemy situations every now and again, but

I was surprised when Wikipedia confided in me that more than 50 had since the ’70’s.

Some of the names on its list didn’t ring a church bell.  Do you remember Neville

Johnson, Ian Bilby or Ergun Caner?  Me, neither.

 

Nor do I recollect Lonnie Frisbee or Peter Popoff, but their names are too silly not to

be mentioned here.

 

I do recall Marjoe Gortner, because he was the subject of the film Marjoe, which won

an Oscar in 1974 for best documentary feature.  Gortner made his bones as a child

preacher performing “miracles” for large donations.  He repented for these sins, though,

and took a film crew with him on a farewell tour.  Marjoe showed him doing the alleged

healings, then explaining the deceptions.

 

I bet we all remember Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker.  Just in case we all don’t, let’s review:

Jim got into trouble for embezzlement and for boinking Jessica Hahn, she with the body

of a Playboy Playmate and the voice of a longshoreman.

 

Bakker tried to get off the hook by crying on TV more than Swaggart.  The first time I saw

Tammy Faye, she was doing some supplemental crying for him.  Her make-up, which I

believe she applied with a trowel, was running down her face and dripping on her blouse.

My first  thought was “Who is this demented clown?”

 

I still think that.

 

Popoff (his real name) rose to prominence in 1985 for his plan to smuggle Bibles past the

Iron Curtain by way of helium balloons.  But due to the evils of meteorological science,

the scheme never took off.  To cover for the scam, he staged a burglary of his office, then

tearfully pleaded for money on his TV show to repair the damage.

 

He was later debunked for his divine revelations.  It was actually much more local.  He

was using information gathered by his wife and others in the audience, then fed to him

electronically via an in-ear receiver.  He had to file for bankruptcy.

 

Melissa Scott swapped one adoring public for another when she gave up her career as

porn actress Barbie Bridges to marry Gene Scott, a televangelist from L.A. who used to

say things like “send me more money, I want to buy another racehorse”.

 

When Scott died, Melissa/Barbie used some of her inheritance to buy up copies of her

former performances away from the altar.  She claims to have taught herself twenty

languages to help her research of Hebrew and Aramaic religious texts.

 

I believe we can safely assume that she has excellent oral skills.