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follow the yellow brick (campaign) trail

January 16, 2012

So let’s start off Year Two with some silly shit.  This came to me from some

comment Jude made as I was drifting off to sleep recently.  I don’t even re-

member what it was, but a light went off .  It was more of an LED than the

traditional incandescent bulb, but it did take root in my brain.  So here ’tis.

 

I lived in Kansas for about 20 years.  That means prolonged exposure to the

“Wizard of Oz” story.  When I told people where I was from as I traveled, they

would often ask if I knew Dorothy.  That’s another reason I moved to Canada.

 

Since the images are so firmly embedded, Jude’s remark jostled me into

casting current and recent Republican presidential hopefuls in a remake

of “Oz”.  See what you think.

 

     Dorothy — Michelle Bachmann.  Partly by default because she was the only

female who declared intent, mostly because her unworldliness and unfocused

gaze match the character.  While other candidates were talking about  real

issues, she pointed out that Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan was 666 upside down.

You’d have to be naive to rail against sodomites  when you’re married to one. 

Her husband Marcus is a therapist who apparently cures gay men by absorbing

their homosexuality.  He may throw Michelle off the scent by dancing so badly.

 

    Toto — Rick Santorum.  He actually surpasses Bachmann in homophobia, but

is compassionate enough of a conservative to make the distinction in a 2003

interview that homosexuality at least isn’t “man on boy, man on dog or what-

ever the case may be.”  That quote and his sweater vests are enough to qualify

him for the role.

 

     The Wicked Witch of the West — my inclination here is to take a cheap shot

at Sarah Palin, but she was smart enough to keep out of the running and stay

with the real money: book deals, speaking engagements and snarky Fox News

commentary.  It makes even less sense by my criteria to cast Katherine Harris,

the Florida Secretary of State who cost Al Gore the Presidency, but that’s what

I’m doing.  She may not have been Hollywood witch evil, but baby did a bad,

bad thing.  Also, I find it easy to see her manipulating flying monkeys.                   


     The Scarecrow — Rick Perry.  If he only had a brain.  His casting is a no-brainer,

as well.  It’s fitting that a character stuffed with straw be from cowboy country.

Perry gleefully wears his ignorance like a rhinestone rodeo shirt.  He doesn’t

even know that America doesn’t need another Texan to have a beer with.

 

     The Tin Man — Mitt Romney.  An empty suit of metal, hilarious in his attempts

to seem like a regular guy.  He’s actually a parody of a politician, promising a

balanced budget, a job for everyone AND the strongest military ever.  Seriously.

He said that.  And he’s the front-runner.


     The Cowardly Lion — Donald Trump.  He only made some noise about running

to prop up sagging ratings for “The Apprentice”, but whenever Trump roars, he

attracts more attention than Janet Jackson’s nipple.  He’s a total blowhard.  It’s

his gift.  His carefully-tousled hair looks like a mane, too.


     Professor Marvel/The Wizard — Newt Gingrich.  A con man both in Kansas and 

Oz, this dual role was made for Newt.  He wants to present as a scholar, yet says

the lamest things possible.  He once managed to piss off half the world’s popu-

lation by saying that women weren’t fit for combat because if they stayed in a

ditch for 30 days, they’d get infections.  For more Newtisms, look here.  Plus,

Gingrich has the head for the role, literally and figuratively.

 

So that leaves Jon Huntsman, Ron Paul and Herman Cain.  I kept Huntsman

out of this because I like him.  He seems rational.  I cast Paul as an understudy

to Newt because he makes sense when he’s n0t raving.  Cain gets a small role as

a pizza delivery guy who asks Dorothy what she’s willing to do to get back over

the rainbow.

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12 Comments
  1. beth reed permalink
    January 16, 2012 10:03 pm

    I cannot thank you enough for breaking it down for me. I was totally depressed thinking that this is the best our country had to offer, but it could be worse I suppose. I don’t know how this will turn out but it is off to a bad start.
    What wass the bad thing you mentioned about the Hollywood womanN I must have zonned out on that one so remind me.
    I really enjoyed this post. Thanks for the laughter. You were totlly on target for me. Good night.

    • January 17, 2012 10:18 am

      I didn’t make an apt transition in that sentence, Beth. I was still talking about Harris, who threw the election to Bush by a massive purging of the Florida voting roles. She removed thousands of voters through legally-questionable means, most of them African-Americans who traditionally vote Democratic. Her reward for this were two terms in the U.S. House. Her campaign for U.S. Senator in 2006 was a study in controversy and incompetence. Even the Florida Republican Party wanted her to drop out. She didn’t and lost 60 to 38% to incumbent Bill Nelson, but not before urging Jews to convert to Christianity.

  2. January 17, 2012 6:44 am

    This is awesome! Ima gonna share it on facebook.

    • January 17, 2012 9:49 am

      Thanks, Coach. I’ll take that as a compliment.

  3. beth reed permalink
    January 17, 2012 11:40 pm

    Oh yeah I remember now and that really was bad. I have a terrible political memory, there is so much crap that goes on that I can never remember it all.

    • January 18, 2012 10:46 am

      And because of that deluge of crap, maybe it’s best that we don’t remember it all.

  4. Anonymous permalink
    January 19, 2012 8:56 am

    So I hear that Rick Perry dropped out… Hmmm they are dropping like flies… LOL Not sad to see Perry go. Not sad to see Cain go, now if old Newt would go….. Not that I am all that keen on Romney but I might just have to get used to saying President Romney… ooh that just does not sound right on my tongue.
    I am online today and plan to go and post a few posts that I have done off line and go over to plinky and see what they have to offer today.

    • January 19, 2012 9:35 am

      Newt might be the last to give up. He’s gaining on Romney in S.C. and flirting with kingmaker Palin. The longer this goes, the more the candidates have to spend and the more dirty laundry they bring up on their opponents. This benefits Obama. I’m keen to see how Romney handles the “show your tax returns” attacks. It’s the only issue I’ve seen him tongue-tied about.

  5. beth reed permalink
    January 19, 2012 8:34 pm

    I wonder why my previous post came up annoymous?
    I am so politically challenged. I did not do well in Govt. at all so I have really been trying to learn the ways of these politicians whom are all finger pointers and back stabbers.
    I like Obama better than any of these people. He isn’t perfect by no means but I thnk that he gets it even if he cant chane everything.
    but I could be wrong there too considering my limited brain power when it comes to issues like this.
    I am glad that you are teaching me a little here. Thanks.

    • January 20, 2012 6:39 am

      I’m glad I don’t have to go through this alone, Beth. As I was working on today’s post last night, Jude had the debate on. Newt again insulted women by emphatically denying his second ex-wife’s claim that he wanted an open marriage. The red meat South Carolina crowd loved his blaming the media, but we’ll see how the general voting public responds. One of the candidates repeated the GOP mantra that Reagan lowered taxes. He did in his first year, then raised them all the rest.

  6. January 28, 2012 6:13 am

    that is the danger. telling half and partial truths but leaving out the real meat of the issue. using political bombs like “class warfare”, socialism, communism, trickle-down, deficit, capital gains, and my recent favorite, taxing the rich.

    • January 29, 2012 12:21 pm

      Luke, welcome to the blog and thanks for your comments. Would you please say more about the “taxing the rich” bomb?

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