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value-added gibberish

November 25, 2011

I hadn’t planned to post today, as I recover from the 49ers loss and prepare for

the LSU/Arkansas game, but I just had something happened that I wanted to

share.

 

A phone call awakened me from a particularly well-detailed dream in which 

an old friend visited me in a vehicle that surfaced in a lake in my living room.

But it wasn’t just a submarine.  It was street legal and actually did well on

mountain roads.  And it was made out of cement.  Go figure.

 

The call was from our former satellite TV provider, who wanted to know if we

would consider switching back.  Coming out of my fog, the first  word I latched

onto was “satellite”.   I thought it was the technician from our new provider

calling about the service call next Tuesday.

 

So I said “The receiver downstairs doesn’t work but the one upstairs does.  The

problem is apparently some gizmo gone bad in the dish.”   This threw him so 

far off script that he didn’t know what to say.  As reality slowly seeped into my

head (an ongoing problem of mine), we finally connected and I realized that

I was just being hustled.  I said the words I knew would most quickly end the

call — “three-year contract” — and we were done.

 

Having lived 59 years in the states, I am well aware of the value of gibberish.  

Business people, bosses, celebrities, politicians and countless other Americans

spout it constantly.  You won’t find a finer practitioner right now than Herman

Cain.  Michelle Bachmann pales beside him.

 

Enjoy him while you can.  His glorified book tour is about to end.  What micro-

scopic chance he had to be president disappeared with his pig-headed response

to multiple charges of sexual harrassment.

 

Anyway, I learned today that gibberish, amusing in its own right, has another

usefulness.  I’ve added it to my repertoire of ways to put off telemarketers I’ve

mistaken for calls I was expecting.  I discovered another one when a caller in-

terrupted a Canucks game.  I thought it was Jude, who was running late.

 

“May I speak to Allen, please?”, he asked.

 

“He’s not here,” I lied.

 

“Then may I speak to your mom or dad?”

 

“I doubt it.  They’re dead.”

 

There was a substantial pause.  I imagined him frantically searching through

his flow chart for a proper response.  He couldn’t find one, so he ad libbed.

“Well, thanks, anyway.  Have a nice night.”  Then he stole off into the ether.

That’s the only time I’ve had a telemarketer hang up on me.  Feel free to use

that one.  My folks won’t mind.  They always loved a good joke.

 

I hope your weekend goes especially well.  I’m off to the upstairs and the LSU

game.  Geaux, Tigers!  

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7 Comments
  1. wade permalink
    November 25, 2011 1:58 pm

    was dave there?

    • November 26, 2011 10:40 am

      No, he was at a Cheech and Chong convention. Did you catch the doc on Woody? It was full of clips from his films, and didn’t gloss over the Soon Yi scandal.

  2. beth reed permalink
    November 26, 2011 5:15 am

    Great response to telemarketing calls. I usually just interupt them with a nice .. I thank you for your time and all but you see i have lost my home in a flood and have so many medical problems I cant even keep straight, I am not elegible for medicaid or food stamps and ….. I totally toss them a line of my problems to over whelm them and they soon decide to end the call and decide not to call this lady back. Now if I could just figure out something to say to the medical bill collectors.

  3. beth reed permalink
    November 26, 2011 5:23 am

    oh yeah I also wanted to respond to your comments on cain. I have never understood politics but even I can see that this guy is an embarassment to the country. None of the canidates make me sit up and take notice, and I think … Is these people the best that we can do for our country? PERHAPS i need another point of view but I believe our white house is in trouble.

    • November 26, 2011 10:49 am

      I never thought of honesty as a way to repel those folks, Beth. Maybe you could ask the medical bill collectors if they’d like to switch telephone services. The White House is indeed in trouble, and it’s looking more and more like the GOPers won’t field anyone strong enough to oust Obama if the economy makes some noticeable progress. The Hogs had a great start and scared the crap out of us. They’re a quality team and should get a juicy BCS bowl bid.

  4. Charlotte Wales permalink
    November 26, 2011 6:15 am

    Even though my beloved son Cody was pulling for the Razorbacks, with me of course pulling for LSU (we DID kick some serious ass, didn’t we?!) I had a lovely day with my son and granddaughter Sophie, uninterrupted by a sports-hating daughter-in-law and my rather loud 3 month-old grandson Roman – – a GREAT afternoon, to be sure!! Even had a delicious plate-ful of Thanksgiving left-overs – – – delicious!!!

    • November 26, 2011 10:52 am

      We did, but only after Arkansas brought us down to earth. That may have been the reality check we needed to finish the season strongly. I’m glad your day was great. It’s always fun to have fans from both sides in front of the same TV.

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