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Michael Moore may not be as misinformed as I first thought

March 5, 2011

When I posted last Sunday about my surgery, I had a lot of residual frustration

left from the ordeal.  In it I said until that nasty piece of business, I had no “real

beef” with Michael Moore waxing rhapsodic about Canadian health care in  his

film “Sicko”.  Those two words would come back to haunt me.  Comically.

Yesterday I had two doctor’s appointments.  The first was with my primary care

physician.  She had called me in to discuss some test results from my ER visit for

the gash in my hand.  She sat down and said, “so, what brings you here today?”

I said, “well, you asked me to come in.”  “Oh, right,” she countered.  She shuffled

through some papers and said “your recent bloodwork shows that you’re anemic.”

“Wouldn’t anyone who’d just lost a pint of blood be anemic?”, I observed.  Jude

had already told me that.  “Yes,” replied the doc, “but I want you to increase your

intake of iron anyway.”

And then she said it — an 8-word sentence that I will never forget, a fantasy fulfilled,

a statement that every man lives to hear: “I want you to eat more red meat.”

”I want you to eat more red meat.”

I want you to eat more red meat.”

“I.  Want.  You.  To.  Eat.  More.  Red.  Meat.”


After it stopped echoing in the arroyos of my brain, I asked her to repeat herself.

I had heard correctly.  Regrettably, she couldn’t write me a prescription for a steak

dinner; but now I had it on the highest authority that I could stop my  slouching

toward a vegetarian diet, at least temporarily.  I could have some real beef.

I walked over to Jude’s nearby office.  Or should I say, drifted over on my elation?

I landed long enough to get a snack at the hospital coffee kiosk.  I got the largest

hot chocolate imaginable and checked out the scones and muffins.  The kiosk lady

explained my options: “This one is bumbleberry with white chocolate, this one is

peach with bran, and this one is meat with cheese.”

“Ooh, meat with cheese!  Meat with cheese!”, I blurted out with Homer Simpson


When I gave Jude the good news, I wasn’t sure how she’d take it.  She still surprises

me, and that’s good for a marriage, according to “Cosmopolitan”.  “Well, then,” she

concluded, “do you want to stop at A&W on the way to your next appointment and

get some Uncle Sirloin burgers?”  I have never loved her more than at that moment.

We made a quick stop at the giant gnome for gas and the burgers.  They went down

easily, as if they’d been pre-greased.  The visit to a physical therapist and the check-

up with the surgeon went well, too.  I had nicked an artery, tendon and nerve.  The

stitches were healing just fine.  I got my first look at them.

The doctor had extended my original 2″ cut another inch.  I was pleased to see it

looked Frankensteinian.  The life line in my redesigned palm is quite long.  I

asked the resident assisting the surgeon if that meant I was now immortal.  She

said yes, but wouldn’t put it in writing.

I also asked her if they had played any Led Zeppelin during the operation, as I’d re-

quested.  She didn’t remember, but the doctor said they played Justin Bieber.  I

think he was just checking my reflexes.  After I grimaced and gagged, he said I was

good to go.

Jude and I missed the 4:30 pm ferry, so I walked to a restaurant at the dock and

bought some calamari, popcorn shrimp, fries and a corn dog.  Honestly, I just

wasn’t ready for another burger yet.  I’ll have to build up my tolerance.

When we got home, we were about to start the half-mile trek down to the house

when our friend Paul stopped and gave us a hearty welcome back to the neighbour-

hood.  I pulled up my bandage and showed him the wound.  As he was leaving,

another friend stopped and looked at it.  Paul called later and reminded me about

the time he did a butt flop on some stairs in our house with a beer in each hand.

Not a drop was lost.

“Didn’t I teach you to land on your elbows?”, he chided.  I still have a lot to learn.

  1. Meghon permalink
    March 5, 2011 10:38 am

    Reminds me of the time during my first pregnancy when my doctor suggested that I should be gaining more weight. After a life time of struggling with a few extra pounds, it was amazing to hear. I headed straight for my fave Chinese place and ordered General Chicken AND an eggroll (fried, fried, and more fried)!

    P.S. Just in case you’ve forgotten, there are plenty of folks down here who would be grateful for access to any healthcare, even if imperfect.

    • March 5, 2011 11:48 am

      AND an eggroll? You kids today. In my day, a banquet was a photo of a chicken from a catalogue and an egg shell. (Other readers, Meghon is my daughter and I don’t get many chances to lecture her.) Believe me, luv, I haven’t
      forgotten the folks down south with inadequate health care. Paying out of pocket for my inattentiveness would have hurt more than the actual wound. I hope your popcorn picnic was joyous.

  2. C-E-C permalink
    March 5, 2011 7:55 pm

    This is great!
    Made me laugh =D

    • March 5, 2011 10:19 pm

      Thank you, ma’am. I appreciate the feedback.

  3. Nathan Dunn permalink
    March 13, 2011 7:30 pm

    I laughed a lot when I read this. I hope your hand’s doing better, bud. (:

    P.S. Justin Bieber can fuck off.

    • March 13, 2011 8:37 pm

      Glad to be of service, Dude. And I’m happy to learn that you’re concerned with Mister Bieber’s social life. (Other readers: I’m proud to claim Nathan as my step-son. You can see him at the end of my post “won’t you let me take
      you on a (ten-minute) sea cruise?” He’s the one taller than Jude and shorter than the Giant Gnome.)

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